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Chapter Seventeen Have you been lucky in love? Have you ever heard the expression before, "Lucky in love!", or, "lucky in marriage!"? A grumpy old curmudgeon was asked on the day that he buried his wife what was the secret of his long marriage. He replied too loudly in his gravely voice, "I never complained about her cooking all the years we were married. She was such a good cook! And I never complained for all these years for not getting lucky the night before. We only tried it one time on our wedding night, and I figured I had it coming to me on that night!" Apparently, the grumpy old man just wasn't lucky! However, that seems a bit odd. You see, everyone in the community knew his wife to be a wonderful woman ...friendly, kind, generous, and hard working! Perhaps the same reason why he was unlucky in love had something to do with the same reason why he had not one friend in the world who could tolerate him long enough to even give him a funeral at his passing. Maybe luck just didn't have anything to do with it. Men, you are about to discover the secret kept hidden by women for decades, perhaps centuries, or even millennia. We have been fooled by a gender-wide female conspiracy. Okay, I know, this conspiracy is nothing new! We have known this much all along. Furthermore, we know where they have planned this conspiracy ...the ladies restroom, of course! We know that's where they have their meetings to talk about this secret. But what is the big secret? Until now, we have never been able to figure it out. This is all about to change. Now, women, please do not pick up stones and stone me for divulging this to my fellow males. It was only a matter of time until we discovered the truth. And the truth is out! Fellows, all the cobwebs are about to be cleared from your head, and the light of truth is about to dawn. Now, we males have also had a pact going on for centuries. It has been our pact all along that whichever male among us was the first to figure out the mystery of women, he would reveal the secret to all males near and far. A thing that is so secretive, so hidden, and so full of wiliness will take no small amount of explanation! First, there is a reason why we men are forbidden to see our brides in their wedding dress before the big day. They tell us it has something to do with bad luck. If we see them in the wedding dress before the big day, we will have bad luck. If we wait until the big day, we'll get lucky! We are led to believe the reason is so we will be breathless -- delightfully surprised to see our lady in white walk down the isle sparkling like the stars. Yeah, right! Men of the world! I beseech you! What is the first goal of every bride concerning her husband? Is it to slowly and erotically unbutton his tuxedo one button at a time? No! It is to fatten him up! This is true; we all know that this is true! Fattening us up is the very first objective of the brand new wife. It starts within minutes after the "I DOs" are said with the traditional wedding cake. Before we have time to think about what just happened, they're stuffing cake down our mouths to fatten us up. Now, men, we all know that the wedding cake is not about us. We all know that the wedding cake is not what we are thinking about for so many long and lonely nights after we reach puberty. We're thinking about our wedding night, not our wedding cake! You see, the wedding cake is merely the first element of this cover-up. Now, men, please understand this. Women freely admit that they want to fatten us up! We've thought all along that is merely so we will not go back home to eat Mom's cooking. However, there is more to the story than just not wanting us to go back home to eat Mom's cooking. They try to fatten us up merely to conceal the truth. There is a hidden motive, as you shall see. |